My "pu tong" boyfriend

So I realized my blog was posted under Jocelyn Eikenburg’s blogroll “Chinese Men + Western Women Personal Stories” and figured a post on my cross-cultural relationship was long overdue. In other words, I felt like I needed to justify my spot on that blogroll.

My boyfriend has said more than once that he thinks he’s just pu tong, or that there’s nothing special about him. I think he wonders why someone so beautiful, intelligent, and kind would choose him (his words, not mine). We disagree on his pu-tongness for several reasons. The first is that I think we have different meanings of the word. I think that in his eyes, his education, though the same level as mine, was perhaps not of as good quality as mine was. He also doesn’t think he is particularly good-looking (trust me, that is definitely untrue, but his modesty is one of the things I love about him). I think part of it is Chinese modesty, not boasting about your qualities to others, or putting yourself down but not really meaning it. Like when your hostess serves you an incredible meal and then spends half the meal criticizing her own cooking.

For me, his looks are far from pu tong  and were actually the first thing I noticed about him at the hotel we both worked at. I had seen him in the staff canteen and wondered who this handsome guy was. Needless to say, when I found out he worked at the western restaurant, I pulled strings in HR so that I ended up spending one month training there instead of the two weeks I was supposed to train. Call it what you want, but I was merely “creating opportunity.”

In China, a LOT, and I mean A LOT of emphasis is put on testing. From elementary school, students are pressured to get good exam results for middle school. From middle school, parents expect stellar results for high school. And high school is the worst, with students studying nonstop for a year in order to pass their gao kao, the college entrance exam. As a result, I think that many Chinese people measure intelligence by which school you were able to test into. Maybe I don’t completely agree because I’ve always been a horrible test-taker. I mean, grades in college were based on three tests per quarter. How unfair is that?! But I digress. While my boyfriend did not go to Beijing University or Tsinghua University, what he has, and what’s more important to me than a name, is that he teaches me so many things. In fact, I’m often shamed by the fact that he knows more about my country’s history than I do. And there are times when he’ll say something about China’s history and I look at him with a slightly confused expression, and he asks “Didn’t you guys learn about Chinese history in school?” I’d almost rather he think I didn’t study it than know that I barely remember anything I learned. But I guess that wouldn’t do much good for US-China relations. He keeps up with current news, and we often have discussions about things going on in the world. More times than I’d like to count, I’ve called him with a particularly interesting news story that just broke and exclaimed, “Did you hear about….?” and he says “Yeah I did,” which totally undermines my coolness factor in being the first to know. I guess that’s called ‘arrogance’ on my part.

5 Chinese Love Languages

The other day I was thinking about which of the 5 love languages (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Physical Touch, and Acts of Service) best describes how Chinese people show they care.

Words of Affirmation was quickly crossed out. As anyone with a Tiger Mom would know, “Your piano skills still aren’t good enough. Practice harder” really means “I love you, my talented young Mozart.” Chinese people are generally very modest, so their parents (or spouses) wouldn’t want to encourage big heads by constantly proclaiming how great they are.

Quality Time is complicated. If it were Quantity of Time, that would definitely be a Chinese love language. Most young Chinese couples that I know (or see when I’m out) are with each other, and only each other, for about 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day (I factored in bathroom breaks). In general, I believe that Quality Time is defined differently by each individual, so I’m just going to move on for now.

Receiving (and Giving) Gifts was a close second, because it’s such a big part of Chinese culture. Going to visit your girlfriend’s family? Make sure you buy gifts for everyone. I mean, everyone. If you think the neighbor’s kid might be stopping by, get him a gift just in case.

Physical Touch is not a big love language for the older generation. If you meet your Chinese friend’s parents, don’t give them a hug. Unless you enjoy awkward situations (which I do). Otherwise just don’t do it…..if you do, please comment here and let me know how it went.

I must say, I was really surprised by this generation’s kids when I first came to China because there was PDA everywhere. On the subway, crossing the street (hard to look both ways when you’re gazing deeply into someone’s eyes), in restaurants. I was about to write “Apparently they’ve mastered the art of eating with one hand.” But then I realized, I probably should’ve mastered that by now too.

On another note, while the topic of PDA and PDI (Private Displays of Intimacy…..I call dibs on this acronym) is still somewhat taboo to talk about in China, that does not mean that people are not participating in it. In fact, I think a lot of college students, who are too embarrassed to talk to their friends about sex, don’t realize that those friends equally embarrassed to talk to them about the same thing! Leading to a lot of teens with a lot of questions, and nobody to turn to. But that whole topic of “lack of counseling services” in China is a whole other post.

Acts of Service, in my opinion, is the number one Chinese love language (feel free to debate). I think it stems from the fact that Chinese people don’t really verbalize love emotions. In fact, 我喜欢你 (I like you), seems to have almost as strong a meaning as 我爱你 (I love you).

The other day, I had dinner with two close girlfriends. One of them has dated her boyfriend for 4 months, and is probably going to get married within the next year. I asked her how she, personally, knew that she wanted to marry him. She answered, “还行吧.” There’s no way to really translate that except “Not bad” or “Okay, I think.” It bothered me all day, because I interpreted her answer to be that this guy was an okay guy, she’s at a marriageable age, so why not?

Americans are raised to believe that in order to marry someone, you need to be passionately in love with them, and know, somehow, that they are your soul mate. And while I’m a realist, I don’t believe it’s as easy as “Eh, he’s okay. Let’s do this thing.”

So I told my boyfriend about what my friend had said. He answered right away, “That’s because we don’t really say ‘Yea! He’s great!!’” What he meant was that you never hear Chinese people saying about their significant other, “He (or she) is the most generous person I’ve ever known, the smartest person I’ve ever met, and definitely the hottest I’ve ever seen (if anyone tells you that attraction has nothing to do with why they love their SO…..that person is lying).” Thinking back on it, I realized that maybe by talking about how great your boyfriend is, it’s seen as bragging, or showing off to others, which is a big no no in Chinese culture.

I think part of why I was really bothered was because I was scared that that’s how my boyfriend felt about me. Then I remembered not only the times he’d told me how much he respected me, how intelligent I was, and how beautiful, but also the many non-verbal acts of service he’d done for me.

When I had a Thanksgiving dinner last year, it got a bit out of hand (what happens in Beijing stays in Beijing…..) and he helped me mop up an entire floor of spilled beer, shoe scuffs, and broken glass without me asking. He has verbalized loudly, on many occasions, how much he hates doing dishes (I actually don’t mind doing dishes), yet whenever I cook, he gathers up the plates and washes them all for me. And whenever he hangs out with me and my friends, he not only brings me my favorite drink, but buys one for my friend as well (which is more an act of thoughtfulness than service, but I’m gonna count it).

While it’s a different culture to adjust to, I don’t think it makes it any less meaningful the way that Chinese people show they care. If you approach others with an open mind, there’s actually a lot about communication, verbal and non-verbal, active or passive, that you can learn, including how you yourself communicate.

What do you think is the most dominant of the 5 Chinese love languages? Which one defines how you receive love and which one defines how you show your love?