A few days ago, my husband and I met up after work for dinner and somehow, our conversation led to a disagreement. I was annoyed, so I ignored him. We ate dinner in silence because neither wanted to be the first to budge. Although I don’t like going to bed angry, I tend to be more stubborn about him reaching out to me when I’m upset. When we got home, I kept ignoring him and started reading in bed. Soon enough, he grabbed a bunch of photos he’d just printed out (see #1!) and said to me, “Did you look through the photos yet?” It was almost like an unspoken peace offering, so I said, “No, not yet” and began to look through the photos with him. We were fine after that, and it was so refreshing that we were okay again without having to talk about whatever it was we were fighting about (which I don’t even remember!).
Growing up in a Western culture, I was always taught that after couples fight, they should always talk things out afterwards. The intention being to understand how the other person felt, address the issues, and…well, because that’s just what you do after a fight. When my husband and I were dating, and even after we were just married, I constantly felt the need to sit down and talk about any arguments we had, whether it was a big one or a small one. In Chinese culture, however, the tendency is to just ignore the disagreement and move on. No matter how many times I see Chinese people shouting loudly at each other one minute and talking about where to eat the next, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to how quickly they move past the issue. I wrote about this before, when I talked about The Language Of Love. I wrote about how I’ve learned that it’s important to talk about recurring problems or big cultural differences, but it’s also vital to “pick and choose” your battles.
The funny thing is, as I’m learning more about my husband’s culture and how our relationship works, I’m learning more about myself as well. I tend to express myself better through writing than verbally. There were times when we were dating that I’d actually just email him what I was feeling and why I was upset. I realized that a lot of the problems turned out to be minor ones, and that all I really needed to do was vent and then I’d be okay. I’m also learning that after an argument, I need space. Most of the time, I don’t even want to talk about the problem with my husband, and prefer to figure out myself what exactly I’m upset about. If it turns out not to be a big deal, then I can just ignore it, and the awesome thing is, I don’t have to worry that he’ll want to sit down with me and have a talk.
Talk things out or don’t talk things out? What do you think?
I have been married 44 years and it’s on the verge of collapse for various reasons, but one thing I have noticed here is that we too have argued without resolve and then just gone back to our lives like nothing was wrong. The difference I guess is often he yells and screams at me and I used to do the same, but I decided some years ago that I didn’t want to do that so I just let him rant, which produced nothing. I don’t want that anymore, so now I just tell him I will not listen if he yells and me and if he continues to do so I leave. Still the same thing afterwards, we pretend nothing happened, but it’s not acceptable. We need to be able to TALK, not yell it out and by ignoring the issue I think I’ve just buried all those times and after 44 years I don’t want to take it any more. Yes, by all means pick your battles but do so by agreeing to disagree and leave it at that, don’t ignore it. I never want to bring it up because I don’t want to make him mad again so nothing changes. Just my take on things and Blessing going out to all of you who are fighting a battle.
Although I usually need some time to cool down after an argument, I still think it’s important to talk about it. Often times only then you’ll find out that everything was just a misunderstanding. My fiancé is also somebody to get over a small argument pretty soon without talking things out and he’s the one trying to cheer me up afterwards if he feels that I’m still mad at him, but for me I can’t get over it if we haven’t talked about it, so changing the topic and telling me jokes doesn’t really help sorting things out.
I agree that it’s vital to pick and choose your battles. Fighting over the toothbrush being put back “the wrong way” is not a battle to really fight over. Discussing life events and core values (how responsibilities are shared) are more important. I also think you have to work out the timing-it’s never good to talk while you’re both emotionally charged, and it may make more sense to talk the next day, or even the next week! It’s definitely about what one of the comments said, figuring out what works for you (and your partner). Just be careful not to have any ulterior motives. I’ve known of couples who pretend like they’ve moved on, when in fact, they’re just saving their resentments as “ammunition” for the next fight. That’s not always healthy, either.
When I remember to move past instead of talk it out, I often find it very freeing. Imagine that
When you start talking you often feel like you have to end up agreeing, I think, and you forget that sometimes it’s ok to disagree. Great post!
My partner can hold on to arguments for weeks – weeks! And this is for the small stuff like arguments over dinner or housework. I’m nearing the end of my tether! All the best to you and your hubby!
Very insightful. : ) I have this bad habit of not really being able to speak when I get upset. Many have interpreted it as giving them the silent treatment. It’s true though, sometimes I use that silence against the person – but not with my current boyfriend. I’m working on it because he says when I get quiet he doesn’t know what exactly made me upset and therefore how to fix it. I guess that’s a little different than deciding whatever we were fighting about wasn’t worth fighting about. We tend to talk it out in the end because we usually don’t fight in the first place — that probably means whatever we’re fighting about is worth talking it out.
I don’t think it’s a “bad habit” to stop speaking when you’re upset. Different people deal differently with their emotions. For me, I stop talking because I’m trying to process why exactly I’m upset, and I just need space. Even if my husband doesn’t know why I’m upset, he knows to give me my space and let me figure it out. When I’m ready, I’ll go to him and talk about it. So maybe that’s the case with you?
It’s not a bad habit, but I’ve done the same thing in fights and some people close to me will get very confused. I guess they just need a heads-up that you’re about to go silent or disappear for a bit. If that’s the case, I just say, “Look. We’re both emotionally charged, let’s talk again when I’ve processed everything.” We usually leave each other alone after that. With me and the people close to me, it’s more about letting the other person know what we’re about to do and not necessarily going into detail about the why’s of everything.
Reblogged this on StartingOver101 and commented:
Smart! Read this. I’m not married but he was smart! Lol
Ah thank you for this post, it has been incredibly enlightening for me! You see, my mother is Taiwanese and she does the exact same thing – if she gets upset she goes quiet and doesn’t say what’s wrong. If you upset her you have to wait for her to move past it. And I’ve picked it up. With my relationship with my boyfriend I do exactly the same thing. Now I’ve become more self aware I’ve tried to do it less and actually address why I’m so upset. I had noticed that no one else seemed to do this when they became upset (I live in England) and as a result I felt like I was the odd one but now, I know why. Thank you for sharing this!
* Men express themselves through independence, and shoulder to shoulder. When a man needs to process his experiences, he does so off by himself. When a man needs to renew his trust, he does so through a physical connection.
* Women express themselves through intimacy, and face to face. When a woman needs to process her experiences, she will do it by talking it all out. When a woman needs to renew her trust, she does so through an emotional connection.
In an argument there’s a fine line between venting, and moving to resolve. Venting may be what you need, however, it may also sink you deeper into the conflict. Learning when the discussion has fallen into venting, and is no longer working to resolve. Then it’s time to take a time out, process your emotions, then come back with a cool head and work to resolve.
Anyway, my site is loaded with all this and more… if you want more.
Blessings, and… march on brave one.
I too sometimes just need to vent and then I’m okay. Yeah I also learned that you should talk about stuff but WHEN is very important. Some guys clam up when they’re angry and you just need to wait until everyone’s cooled down to talk about it. Sometimes that means a week or more later.
I totally agree! I think sometimes people are uncomfortable when one person is angry for a lengthy amount of time, but they really need that time to cool down before they can address the issue. And in some cases, once you process it, it’s not something worth addressing.
I guess you are getting wiser and wiser. I am in the opposite shoes with my wife being the Chinese cultured, and she will not talk about anything, so I just have to pick it up. Not talking about things is ok, if one forgets. But my wife is not, she will remember it again in the future, so I just had to talk about soon better than later. But I agree sometimes silence is the best approach to solve the problem.
Women stop talking, because they stop trusting. I hope I’m wrong, and that’s a discussion not to miss.
Blessings…
I don’t necessarily think women stop talking because they stop trusting. For me, I stop talking after an argument because I need my space. In fact, it’s like your comment above – I need to process my experiences off by myself. In the past, I used to talk everything out because I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do, but I’m realizing that’s not true for me.
When you’re in a relationship, you’re working with two personalities, and it takes communication to discover balance. Here’s something your husband may not know. Men are meant to take the trash out, yes? So when your processing by talking, he is metaphorically holding a garbage bucket for you to verbally unload into. So he stands there listening… without having a need to “fix” anything.
But your method probably works much better, because it’s tried and true. Relationships take work, especially when you desire a deep meaningful one… not that you don’t. When we drift, and get caught up in the worlds routines, the other person may have to find their own method of balance.
I have no intention of putting you down, or saying you’re this way, and really you’re not. There are so many different approaches to a happy relationship, and I have SO much passion in opening those doors. I often forget not everyone is asking for help.
I do send my best to you and yours… blessings be along the path you follow.
Now that we just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary i have finally realized my husband prefers to “sleep on it”…after a discussion or disagreement I used to bring things up before going to bed “because you are not supposed to go to bed with a problem”…OMG, trying to talk about it made it exponentially worse…the first time I just let him sleep on it, (of course I didn’t sleep a bit) he woke up the next morning as if nothing had happened…like magic, poof the problem, what ever it was had disappeared…and that’s when I got it and I am so happy I did! even in long marriages (because 15 years are a bit) those magical discoveries give it a new light! Good luck and read you soon, Alexandra
Congrats on your 15th anniversary, Alexandra! I definitely think that things like “you shouldn’t go to bed with a problem” or “you must talk things out after every fight” are different for every couple. I think especially having lived in China for the past four years, I’m realizing a lot of American societal norms that I just naturally followed before without questioning. But the bottom line is, figure out what works for you personally, not what you’re supposed to do. Thanks for reading!
Thank you
read you soon, Alexandra
Reblogged this on Asylum Within and commented:
It’s always nice knowing you’re not alone in things.
I’m also having issues with small arguments, and talking things out. Gotta say it’s different every time. But whether you leave it unsettled, or all sorted out, it still brings about an “awareness” about each other’s sentiments and perspectives we might never had the chance to see before.